I love my wife’s parents. And although in-laws have been the butt of jokes practically since the dawn of time, I really hit the in-law lottery when I married my wife. You couldn’t ask for two nicer people to be in your extended family.
But…there’s a problem.
They carry a curse—a jinx, a hex, call it what you will—that manifests itself each and every time they set foot on my property. You probably think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. Let me explain.
Every time they visit, something goes wrong with (or in) our house. It’s usually something small; that’s why it took so long before we saw a pattern. Maybe an appliance would go on the fritz unexpectedly. Maybe a faucet would spring a leak, or a trash bag would break, spilling garbage all over the kitchen floor. It’s always be something different, but something inevitably goes wrong when they’re here. Finally, my wife and I put the pieces together and reached the only rational conclusion—they are cursed, and bring the evil force into our home whenever they come visit, where the house embraces it like a dear lover and lets mayhem wreak havoc in our humble abode.
Two visits ago, the main drain in the house—which leads to the sewer—backed up into the basement. Now, you may say, But something like that takes a long time to happen. Months at least, if not longer. I get that. But what are the odds that it just happened to back up the day they were there? What’s that, you say? Coincidence? Pfft. Poppycock. The water was summoned to the surface by the malevolent force they brought into my house.
It was the curse, plain and simple.
I sense you’re not yet convinced. Allow me to present more recent evidence: the fallout from their last visit, starting Sunday evening and concluding Monday afternoon. The following events occurred during their 20-hour stay:
- The cold water in the shower began turning colder BY ITSELF during showers, causing my wife to cry out so loudly that I almost broke my neck running to check on her.
- The toilet in the front bathroom quit flushing on two separate occasions, and still requires an occasional jiggle of the handle to work properly—obviously the lingering effects of the curse.
- Not one, but three (3) light bulbs burned out in the house, one in the living room and two in the kitchen. How often do you have light bulbs burn out? Every few years? And, I might add, these are fluorescent bulbs (CFL’s) which—under non-cursed conditions—last for several years. We had three burn out on the same day.
- Ants. Ants felt the curse calling them and came crawling out of the cracks between the cupboard and the oven, seeking to please the dark overlord temporarily occupying our home. Since the in-laws left, the ants have dwindled away and disappeared now that there is no electric crackle of Hellfire in the air.
Perhaps, despite all the evidence I’ve presented, you think I’m crazy. In that case, let me present the final and most compelling, mind-blowing piece of evidence that will prove once and for all that the curse exists: it has gained power, moving on from inanimate objects to living things.
Driven mad by the evil spirits cursing our land, a poor, innocent squirrel committed suicide, leaping from a high branch of our golden rain tree to the hard concrete steps below. Why else would a squirrel lose the will to live unless it was consumed by delirium? It’s heartbreaking proof of the power of this terrible curse.
Does anyone out there have any advice for dealing with malevolent entities invading your home?
Luckily, the in-laws are back home for now, a state away, and not slated to return for approximately five weeks, giving us time to fortify the house with crucifixes and holy water, hopefully ensuring our safety. But who will help the squirrels?