“You look like you don’t want to be here today.”
“Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
We’ve all heard these phrases. Maybe you’ve even used a few of them yourself. But did you know these sayings could be indicators of a crippling affliction affecting a large number of Americans today?
Hi, I’m writer and blogger Kenneth Jobe. You may know me from blog posts such as Minor Annoyances A-Z, the Freshly Pressed The Forgotten Art of Simple Conversation, and the horror anthology Robbed of Sleep, Volume 2, now available in paperback and e-book format. I’m here today to talk to you about a largely unspoken disease wreaking havoc on the unfortunate souls who suffer from it. These poor men are victims of unabashed stereotyping, some even being shunned from social circles due to their devastating illness.
What could cause such emotional turmoil for so many men?
Resting Dick Face is a very real, totally not made up condition affecting millions of men annually. Also known as Resting Douche Face, Resting Bitch Face for Men, and God, That Guy Looks Like a Real Dick, RDF can have a multitude of negative side effects.
I know what you’re thinking—But Ken, how do I know if I or someone I love suffers from RDF?
First of all, don’t call me Ken like we’re friends. Second, that’s a very good question with no easy answer. To help you determine if a loved one might have RDF, I’ve come up with a series of questions that help make it easier to identify and diagnose:
Does the man you suspect of having RDF have more than one facial expression?
Is one of those expressions a smile or laughter?
Is the man in question generally a nice guy despite the look on his face?
If you answered yes to 2 out of those 3 questions, you may in fact know someone battling RDF.
Okay, I know someone with RDF—how do I act around them?
This can be tricky. Treating someone who’s different like they’re normal is never easy. Take it from me, I should know—I’m a white male. To help you, I’ve included this simple guide to Living with Someone Living with RDF.
Do you like the person who has RDF and typically enjoy their company?
Yes: Treat them as if they don’t look like someone has urinated in their cereal bowl. Maybe even greet them with a smile or friendly gesture to help ward off their current case of RDF.
No: Avoid eye contact and all social interaction.
I know what some of you out there may be asking yourselves: I think I smile and look pleasant most of the time, but people still seem to avoid me, even after striking up a conversation. Some people even roll their eyes when they see me or walk away from me when I approach. I don’t know what their problem could be, I just tell it like it is. Is my RDF more serious?
It’s unfortunate you have to find out this way, and I wish there was another way to break it to you, but it’s time for you to face facts—you’re just a dick. BooksOfJobe Publications is currently hard at work on a Guide to Ending Dickish Behavior, but in the meantime, the best advice is to try to get your life together and stop being such a massive dick.
How do you know so much about RDF?
This may come as a surprise to many of you, since you don’t actually see my face up close and personal and my blog makes it clear that I’m an all around awesome individual, but people close to me already know the shocking truth: I suffer from RDF.
I’m lucky—my case is strictly mild-to-moderate RDF, but it can still strike without warning, and still be quite devastating. As a matter of fact, this Public Service Announcement was brought about when I was self-diagnosed with RDF less than a week ago, after arriving at work in a pleasant mood and being greeted with a bevy of comments ranging from, “He looks thrilled to be here today,” met with “Yeah, I can tell,” to “You look like you’re so over today.”
It was then that I began my journey of self-discovery and realized how many poor souls out there need our help. If you know someone with RDF, don’t let them suffer alone. Engage them in conversation, pay them a compliment, or make them laugh, and help them ward off their current case of RDF. If you encounter a man with RDF in the wild, don’t be afraid. Approach him with the same caution you would exercise when approaching any man you don’t know. If, after a few minutes of conversation, the man’s expression hasn’t changed and they don’t warm up to you, have no fear—you’ve just encountered a dick. You may exit the conversation at your earliest convenience.
For the men who suffer from it, RDF is an uphill battle, but together we can win the war. I’ve started a charity, the Fund for Understanding and Collective Knowledge, and our top priority is eliminating RDF from the male populace. Please consider a modest donation—every dollar helps.