BooksofJobe.com

What Fictional Character or Celebrity Are You?

After filling out the ‘Which Johnny Depp Character Are You?’ quiz for the third time because I wasn’t satisfied with the result I was getting (I was hoping for Donnie Brasco or maybe the guy from Blow, not Jack Sparrow), I grew a little frustrated. I’d seen friends of mine on Facebook saying they also have taken these various personality quizzes more than once to get the answer they wanted, and others who said they purposefully gave certain answers to try and manipulate the quiz to get the desired results.

That got me thinking about who people tell me I remind them of, and wondering what you guys have been told. That seems far more interesting than who Zimbio or Buzzfeed tells me I am. Here are mine.

Who I’ve been told I remind people of:

The Dude

I’d like to think I’m a little more intellectual than Mr. Lebowski, but at its purest level I think this is somewhat accurate. I’m fairly easy going, don’t care for The Eagles, and love bowling. At one point in time there may have been other similarities, but that’s neither here nor there. It doesn’t help matters that I also received a robe for Christmas. That’s alright, I suppose there are worse people to be compared to.

Kevin Smith

I believe I was told I reminded someone of him because of the combination of physical similarity and personality. I do bear at least a slight resemblance, what with the physique, beard, and glasses, so when you factor in the immense talent, storytelling ability and acerbic wit we also have in common it’s really a no-brainer (aren’t I oh-so-modest?). Truth be told I’m not the biggest fan of his movies, but I think he’s a really cool guy, and I take getting compared to him a massive compliment.

Zach Braff

Now this one obviously has nothing to do with physical appearance, but it comes from my wife, so I will give her the benefit of the doubt when she says that based on his talk show appearances Zach Braff and I have a similar sense of humor. I made sure to let Mr. Braff know on Twitter that I know he must be funny since my wife said that and, as I mentioned in my last post, I’m clearly hilarious.

Still waiting for a reply, fourteen months and counting. So tell me people, liven up the drab day I’m about to have—who have you been told you remind people of, be it fictional characters or real people? Or better yet, who do you think reminds you of you?

Funny How? How Am I Funny?

I decided it was about time to write about writing again. I’ve been staying away from posts about my writing because, for the most part, there’s not much to tell. It’s not that I haven’t been writing—on the contrary, I’ve been busier than a one-armed paper hanger the last couple months, it’s just that there’s not a lot to show for it right now. I’ve got about six or eight short stories submitted to various magazines and whatnot for publication hoping somebody bites soon, and I’m on the second draft of a novel while another sits, patiently waiting for me to start its second draft as well. So what did I do? Why, started another project altogether, of course.

I’m barely underway, just a few thousand words so far, but it feels good; I’m excited about it. There is, however, a catch: I want it to be funny. Not an out and out comedy, but with plenty of humor and funny elements. I won’t go into too much detail about it, but basically it’s a heist story with a band of incompetent criminals. What I’m aspiring to is something like if Pineapple Express had been crossed with Reservoir Dogs and written by Elmore Leonard. Violence, stupidity, double-crosses, and laughs. Piece of cake, right?

Here’s the thing: am I funny? How am I funny?

Can I write something that will make other people laugh?

Now, I’m a fairly modest guy, but I think I’m hilarious. Really, ask anyone. Well no, better yet, don’t. See, that’s the problem—I know my sense of humor veers toward the odd, the dry, the sarcastic. Things that are funny to me aren’t always funny to other people. When I make jokes at work, it’s really a crap shoot as to how the joke will go over. Sometimes I can get an entire room of people laughing, sometimes I get blank stares and awkward silence. That makes me nervous; if people don’t get your jokes, they don’t necessarily think you’re merely unfunny. They may think you’re just an idiot.

Mr. Leonard was one of the masters of blending humor with action and intensity, and, it appears, so is the author of the book I’m currently reading: Blackbirds by Chuck Wendig. Non-writers probably haven’t heard of him, but for the other aspiring authors on the internet, he’s like our Neo from The Matrix. He’s Harry Potter. He’s Yoda. He started out just like us and actually made it, publishing book after book and now living off his writing. His website terribleminds.com is bookmarked by every writer, ever (*citation needed), and now that I’m finally reading one of his books I see what all the fuss is about.

Blackbirds is not exactly a comedy, but it’s funny as hell thanks to its clever wordplay, living, breathing characters, and original plot: Miriam Black has a gift (or a curse). With the mere touch of skin on skin, she can see when and how you’re going to die. It’s how she chooses to use that gift that’s so original and refreshing, and quite an appropriate book for me to be reading as I strive to inject humor into my work.

So, I’m curious—how often do you guys put humor into your writing? A lot of my stories tend to have a smartass remark here, a sarcastic comeback there, but this will be an attempt to go one step beyond. Have you tried to do anything like that? How’d it work out?

On My Unapologetic Love for The Oscars (with predictions)

I don’t know anyone else where I live now who cares about The Oscars. There are a lot of casual movie fans here, and some of the best movie theaters in the country, but the amount of people who are really hardcore movie buffs is pretty small. Every Oscar season I tend to hear the same comments…Hollywood wingnuts patting each other on the back with meaningless awards, who cares?

Well, I do. I love movies, and I love watching the Academy Awards to an almost irrational degree. Now that I live in a part of the country that makes me feel like some kind of freak for being this way, I decided to look at what makes me how I am.

A little of it is the simple fact that I grew up approximately 100 miles from Hollywood. In LA, the Oscars are a BFD. Even being somewhat removed like I was, if you live in or around Los Angeles, show business impacts your life in some way.

It starts first thing the morning of the show, when the morning news tells you what streets around the theater are blocked off for the day, and how those closings will affect traffic. Then you’ll see some footage of the setup going on inside and out. As the red carpet fires up there’s always an overhead shot from a helicopter, showing the line of limos going around the block (I always wondered how all the limo drivers killed the time until the show was over). Afterwards there are reporters at all the after-parties trying to catch celebrities; it’s inescapable.

There’s something else, though, because even a lot of my friends in California didn’t/don’t get into the Oscars like my wife and I do—it’s like Super Bowl Sunday for us. I’ve always had a love not just for movies, but for movie making. The whole process, the business of making movies. In a lottery wet dream, if I won millions of dollars one of the things I would do is start a movie production company and make movies for the rest of my life.

When I was a kid I always loved playing make believe. I was in a school play as a lawyer in maybe second or third grade, and I loved it. I’m barely able to make eye contact in a one on one conversation, but give me a part to play, let me be a character, and I come out of my shell.

So, to summarize—I love movies. Everything about them. Oscar night is a national holiday in BooksofJobe-istan, so I’m putting out my Oscar thoughts on now because no writing will be getting done after about 10 am on Sunday. I will, however be sending the occasional tweet throughout the day, so if you’re so inclined follow me on Twitter if you don’t already and share my little slice of Hollywood heaven with me.

Alright, on to my thoughts for the show.

As much as I love Ellen, I’m a little underwhelmed about her hosting this year. I’m sure there will be some really funny bits and some laugh out loud jokes, but it just feels a little…safe. I’m sure she’ll do a fine job, but until they find that next Billy Crystal-in-his-prime-level host I wish they’d keep searching and trying out new hosts. Seth MacFarlane was surprisingly good, but not quite right.

As far as the actual Oscar race, this year is anticpated to be rather surprise free (as are my predictions). There are clear favorites in every main category with the exception of Best Picture, which (according to some) is a three-way dead heat. I don’t mind when there are no real surprises in store, what I really enjoy are seeing people who are winning for the first time, especially the ones who you can tell are deeply touched to have won. And not just in the major categories, either. When some guy wins for one of the technical categories, then goes up there and starts choking up saying how it’s for his dad who just passed away recently or something like that? I love that stuff.

So with that, here are my (rather safe) predictions for the major awards on Sunday:

Best Picture

12 Years a Slave

American Hustle

Captain Phillips

Dallas Buyers Club

Gravity

Her

Nebraska

Philomena

The Wolf of Wall Street

This is seen by most to be a 3 picture race between Gravity, 12 Years a Slave and American Hustle. I would be absolutely shocked if American Hustle won, I really see this as just between the other two. Gravity was a major accomplishment in filmmaking and I expect it to be rewarded handsomely, but I still feel like the academy will hand the prize to the more “serious” film. Prediction: 12 Years a Slave

Best Actor

Christian Bale (American Hustle)

Bruce Dern (Nebraska)

Leonardo DiCaprio (Wolf of Wall Street)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (12 Years a Slave)

Matthew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)

There are a lot of people who would like to see DiCaprio win his first Oscar for the balls out crazy performance he gave, but I think Mr McConaughey has academy voters transfixed with his McConaissance (™ Hooray for Movies). Plus, there’s no better Oscar campaign than acting your ass off in a TV show already being hailed as one of the greatest ever that is airing during Oscar season (True Detective). Prediction: McConaughey.

Best Actress

Amy Adams (American Hustle)

Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)

Sandra Bullock (Gravity)

Judi Dench (Philomena)

Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)

Cate Blanchett has been the frontrunner pretty much since Blue Jasmine came out and no one, not even the Oscar machine that is Meryl Streep, will be able to stop her from taking home the statue. Prediction: Blanchett

Best Supporting Actor

Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips)

Bradley Cooper (American Hustle)

Michael Fassbender (12 Years a Slave)

Jonah Hill (Wolf of Wall Street)

Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

The biggest sure thing this year. Period. Prediction: Leto

Best Supporting Actress

Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)

Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave)

Julia Roberts (August: Osage County)

June Squibb (Nebraska)

Sally Hawkins (Blue Jasmine)

This again has a clear leader in Nyong’o, who has already won the smaller awards and seems poised to win her first Oscar. There’s this little voice in my head telling me there’s an outside chance June Squibb could win, but I think this one is pretty much sealed up. Prediction: Nyong’o

Best Director

Martin Scorsese (The Wolf of Wall Street)

David O. Russell (American Hustle)

Alfonso Cuarón (Gravity)

Alexander Payne (Nebraska)

Steve McQueen (12 Years a Slave)

It’s rare for the Academy to split Best Picture and Best Director, but that’s what I think is going to happen this year. Even if 12 Years a Slave takes home Best Picture, Alfonso Cuaron’s achievement cannot be denied. He made history with Gravity, and he’ll be rewarded for it. Prediction: Cuaron

Best Adapted Screenplay

John Ridley (12 Years a Slave)

Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke & Richard Linklater (Before Midnight)

Terence Winter (The Wolf of Wall Street)

Billy Ray (Captain Phillips)

Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope (Philomena)

There’s a little more wiggle room for a surprise here: the prevailing wisdom seems to be that John Ridley will win, but a lot of people would like to see Before Midnight take it home, and you really can’t rule out Terence Winter’s f-bomb extravaganza The Wolf of Wall Street. I’m torn here, because I really would like to see Winter win here, but I have to go with my gut; I think Ridley’s the man. Prediction: Ridley

Best Original Screenplay

Woody Allen, Blue Jasmine

Craig Borten and Melisa Wallack, Dallas Buyers Club

David O. Russell and Eric Singer (American Hustle)

Bob Nelson (Nebraska)

Spike Jonze (Her)

This is another interesting race. Woody Allen is out, pretty much guaranteed, due in no small part to the drama surrounding him lately. The two favorites are American Hustle and Her, which interestingly was written by someone (Spike Jonze) that David O. Russell has previously directed (3 Kings). Her was unquestionably the most original script of the bunch, but I’m having a hard time believing American Hustle will be completely shut out. So as much as it may pain a certain friend of mine who may or may not be reading this that absolutely hated it, I’m calling Russell for the win. Prediction: Russell and Singer

Alright alright alright, that’s it. If you watch the show Sunday I hope you all enjoy it. I know I will.

The Wilhelm Scream—Hollywood’s Inside Joke

I’m in total movie mode this week. We’re six days from the Oscars, and I’m keyed up. I’ll go into exactly why the Oscars excite me so much later in the week, but suffice it to say I’m thinking movies nonstop—making my predictions for Oscar night, reading about upcoming movies (strangely excited to see how Gone Girl turns out when it hits theaters October 3rd), and I came across a gem of a story about how one second of sound became one of the longest-standing traditions in Hollywood.

First, here—listen to this.

What started as a simple sound effect in 1951 has turned out to have a legacy no one could have ever predicted. In the film Distant Drums, a scene was shot where a character is bitten by an alligator and dragged underwater. As is usually the case, the character’s scream was recorded separately and inserted later. In post production, six screams were recorded in a single take. Three of the screams were then used for various scenes in the film and that was that. Then, as future movies were made and screams were needed, sound editors referred back to the ones already in the bank and continued using them in several Warner Brothers films over the years. By 1976 the scream had already been used in some manner in 18 films and a few episodes of TV shows.

Which brings us to 1977. Ben Burtt was the sound editor for Star Wars, and a huge movie buff. He was doing research for the film, looking for sound effects, and stumbled across the original recording of the screams from Distant Drums. Having already noticed the recurrence of the scream throughout the years as a film student, he decided to make it a cross between an inside joke and signature of sorts. He named the scream the Wilhelm after the earliest character he knew of to utter the cry, and included it in all the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films, Willow, Poltergeist, and several others.

A friend and colleague of Ben’s, Richard Anderson, began using the scream liberally as well, and by the 2000’s they had an impressive number of films peppered with their now-trademark wail, ranging from Planet of the Apes to Madagascar. Future generations of filmmakers also began to use the scream once it was discovered that the classic version was free to use without penalty or fines, and regardless of studio attachment.

In recent years, noted filmmakers to use the Wilhelm in their films include Peter Jackson (2 of the 3 Lord of the Rings movies) and Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill Vol. 1, Inglorious Basterds). Once I realized what the scream was and how often it was used, I realized it was like that road sign you pass a thousand times and don’t notice until someone points it out. I’ve unknowingly heard it probably hundreds of times, and every time I hear it from now on I can’t help but chuckle.

For a much more detailed account of how the Wilhelm came to be the stuff of legend, including a theory of whose voice is actually providing the scream, click here for the full story. And just in case you think I’m exaggerating about how much it’s been used, click here for the most recent list of movies that feature some variation of the scream (last updated in 2010 with over 200 films). There are also some compilations on YouTube, if you’re so inclined. I guarantee you, you’ve heard it before.

5 Things I’ve Learned After a Year of Blogging

This is slightly premature, but let’s go with it: late February marks my one year anniversary here on the blog (blogiversary?). Yessiree, it’s been a whole 12 months since I started this thing…my, how things have changed. What have I learned in the past year? Let’s take a look back…The Books of Jobe, this is your life!

1. I was a naive, ignorant turd to think I was ready to try and publish a book.

That sounds a bit harsh, but it’s true. I started the blog because I was finishing up a novella that I was considering either submitting to publishers or self publishing via Amazon. As I delved into the blogosphere I realized a couple of things: There were a lot of other aspiring writers out there with excellent blogs of their own, and I was nowhere near ready to publish anything (although I did submit my novella once before coming to my senses). Reading the blogs of fellow writers showed me how far I really had to go to become a writer of any real quality.

2. I had no idea how far-reaching my blog could be.

As I reviewed my stats, I was not entirely surprised to see people from Canada and the UK popping up. Then I saw India, Australia, and Denmark. Wow, this blogging thing is more popular than I thought. Then came countries like Pakistan, Tanzania, Israel, and Budapest. Really? I’m still floored by how many different countries are listed in my site stats. Granted, a lot of them are just 1 view, but still, I had no clue as to the global reach of WordPress.

3. People are freakin’ creepy.

I had read other bloggers’ stories. I knew the freaks were out there. For anyone reading not familiar with how WordPress works, it will show you how many people were referred to your blog from search engines and, in some cases, what specific search terms they entered. There are true horror stories out there about what types of perverted things people typed into Google to wind up where they did. My cringe-inducing winner? Someone found my blog by searching for the term “daddy watching jailbait daughter masturbate.” All together now—*shudder* As a side note, my site came up on that search because of the post I wrote about creepy song lyrics. NO OTHER REASON.

4. I could apparently have the most popular blog of all time if I devoted more posts to this bug.

Last April, I was at the beginning of the A to Z blogging challenge. I was on the letter B and decided to devote a post to the godforsaken bugs that feast on the seeds of the golden rain tree in our front yard. Aside from the post I wrote that WordPress promoted as Freshly Pressed, that post about bugs is far and away my most viewed post. I mean, seriously—by a mile. It’s not even funny. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t have at least one view on that post or some combination of the words ‘golden rain tree bug’ in the search terms. If I was more ambitious I suppose I I could consider starting another blog devoted to the little bugger, but I’ve got more than enough on my plate as it is.

5. I needed this blog more than I thought.

I started the blog thinking it was basically some sort of publicity tool and nothing more. I didn’t know anyone who had a blog, and although I heard the word all over the place, I associated blogs more with things like Perez Hilton and Gossip Girl. I had no clue what awaited me once I went down the rabbit hole.

Although I haven’t met any of my WordPress friends in person, I wouldn’t hesitate to call a good number of you friends. I’ve friended or been friended by a few of you on Facebook (which, coincidentally, all of you are free to do—don’t worry, I don’t post much), connected on Twitter, even one LinkedIn connection that I still don’t know what to do with. The point is, a year ago none of those relationships existed. And while I assume some of these connections may help me sell some books whenever I’m ready to publish (be it traditional or indie), I see now that’s not the real point. The point is support and encouragement while I work to make my writing better and get myself published, because if any of you out there haven’t heard, writing is hard goddamn work. I honestly don’t know if I could’ve stuck with it if I was still doing it alone.

Thanks for reading, everybody.

Minor Annoyances, A to Z—26 Words That Piss Me Off

I’ve been feeling kind of gripey lately. Maybe the cold is finally getting to me. As a native Californian, I think I’ve handled the adjustment to the frigid Midwestern winters pretty well—but we all have our breaking points. The last month or so has seen my inner grouch grow exponentially. This weekend we’re actually looking at semi-comfortable temperatures (the upper 50’s? Break out the shorts!), and my disposition may change, so I’m going to get this list of words that irritate and annoy me off my chest before I cheer up.

Some of the words are slang, some are proper words I just don’t like because they’re awkward and/or ugly to say. Some really don’t need any explanation at all. As always, this list is the sole opinion of The Books of Jobe editorial department (staff:1), and no offense is intended toward anyone reading who actually uses any of these words. Just stop it. And away we go:

Amazeballs

I’m okay with a lot of slang—I even like “trippin’ balls.” But I draw the line here.

Because

I’m talking about the “new” use of because, as in, “I like rock music because guitars.” No.

Chillax

No explanation needed.

Dealio

“What’s the dealio?” has not been funny or cool in 20 years, please stop.

Epic

Everything is not epic.

Fugly

I can appreciate what’s being attempted here by combining two words, but it’s an awkward word to me. There are so many more creative ways to insult someone’s appearance.

Ginormous

I don’t care if it did make its way into the dictionary, I refuse to recognize it as a word.

Hoity-toity

You really don’t hear this very often, but it sounds silly. Don’t like it.

Icky

What are you, twelve?

Jut

Curiously, I like the word gut. Not jut.

Knob

No explanation needed.

Looksee

Does anybody still use this word? When I hear “let’s take a looksee,” part of me dies inside.

Methinks

Since saying I think is so simple? Methinks is one of my trigger words: whenever I see/hear it, I instantly dislike the person using it.

Natch (short for naturally)

I only see this in writing, I assume because anyone who has actually spoken the word was immediately put to death.

Obfuscate

Possibly the ugliest word on the list.

Punt

Um, yeah. No.

Quixotic

This word sucks unless you’re playing Words with Friends. Or Scrabble, if you’re as old as I am.

Ridonkulous

This is up there with amazeballs. People can use it all they want, it still won’t legitimize it.

Super

This one’s just due to overuse. Surely there’s another word people can use.

Thusly

The word that keeps me from being able to completely embrace Alton Brown. If you ever hear someone use this word, don’t think—turn and run, as you’re obviously in the company of a pretentious ass.

Utilize

Say use. Period.

Vitriol

A word that seems to only come up when I read about politics, which is thankfully not too often. Still, an awkward word to say.

Wortle

Not gonna lie—I had already committed to making a list of words for every letter in the alphabet, and had to resort to looking up words that started with W. But say it out loud and tell me I’m wrong.

Xanthan

Don’t think I’ve ever seen this word not followed by the word gum. Luckily, a word no one has to say much unless they work in the food industry.

Yolo

I’m still holding on to a sliver of hope this word will die out and go back to obscurity, with words like tubular.

Zarf

Again, had to look up a word that started with Z. It means ornamental holder for a coffee cup. The more I look at it the more I almost like it, but I’m leaving it on here and moving on before I change my mind.

Well I don’t know about you guys, but I sure feel better. I know there are some word nerds out there (syntax slayers? vocabulary vultures?) who are probably chomping at the bit to add some words to the list, so let’s have it—what are the words that make you cringe like a rake being scraped across a chalkboard while Rebecca Black sings Friday?

Note: I don’t want to sound like a broken record regarding True Detective, but is anybody watching this show? My lord, that last episode was incredible. If you have HBO, you’ve got no excuse. Seriously, watch it!

The Reddit ‘No Sleep’ Experiment

So do you guys reddit? With all the mandates on writers to use all forms of social media (including my reluctant creation of an account with Google+, which I’m still trying to get a feel for), I assumed that most everyone would have at least dabbled with the internet behemoth. After reading a post from fellow writer/blogger Katie Cross, however, I realized that may not be the case.

What is reddit? Man, is that a loaded question. In a lot of ways, reddit is a microcosm of the internet itself. It has everything you could possibly imagine—cat videos, pranks, world news, politics, technology, fitness, pop culture news, plus a plethora of content that is both NSFW and NSFL (and if you don’t know what those abbreviations mean, you’re probably not going to want to click on anything with those tags on them—not safe for work and not safe for life, respectively).

There are literally thousands of groups, all categorized into areas called subreddits, that you can subscribe to and decide what you do and don’t want to see; the music subreddit, for example, is listed as /r/music. There are links to content, such as photos, videos, and articles, as well as (usually quite lengthy) discussions about said content.

And just like the internet as a whole, there are several useful resources for writers: workshops where you can submit work for critique, articles to help you strengthen your skills, discussion groups about various aspects of writing…all, of course, helpful in its own way.

Then there’s /r/nosleep.

HKBqrhs — The design for the brand new nosleep t-shirt.

No Sleep is a subreddit dedicated to trying to frighten and disturb you; it’s kind of like gathering around a virtual campfire and swapping ghost stories. All stories are told in the first person as true experiences. The people who read the stories and leave comments treat them as if they’re real, because one of the guidelines is “Everything is true in /r/nosleep.”

One of the keys to reddit is its unique upvote/downvote process for determining what’s popular. It’s a bit like Facebook with added negativity. Anything submitted to reddit is subject to its users’ approval or disapproval. This goes for No Sleep as well.

After reading stories there for the last few months, I decided to give it a whirl. I had been tossing around an idea for a flash fiction story that I thought would meet the criteria of the group, so I submitted it last week. Surprisingly, it was upvoted by the majority of people who read it, and there were quite a few encouraging comments. Encouraging in that they all requested more—updates to the situation I detailed in my story. I then decided to write a second chapter with the intention of it being a bit of a bridge to the third and final installment, bringing the story to a (hopefully) satisfying conclusion.

So, first story: 152 upvotes, 37 downvotes. Not bad. Reddit’s nice enough to let me know that means 81% like it. Second story: 68 upvotes 19 downvotes. 78%. Still not too shabby, but the real story is in the comments. The first story had 33 comments, ranging from ‘keep us updated’ to ‘please update soon, the suspense is killing me.’ The second had 10, mostly just saying ‘uh-huh, keep us posted,’ and one sarcastic butthead. Obviously the first story resonated with people more than the second one. It’s not exactly a line by line critique of your work, but what I like is that it’s instantaneous feedback from some of the most honest people on the planet—anonymous strangers on the internet. If they don’t like your story you’ll know, because they simply downvote and don’t comment on it.

If you like to read creepy stories, or want to see how people like the stories you make up, jump on over to /r/nosleep and give it a shot. They have monthly contests for the most popular story, and a sort of a ‘behind the scenes’ subreddit for discussions about the group. I’ll be writing the conclusion to my epic saga in the next day or two, so you may be reading my story there soon. I may end up posting the whole thing here on the blog at a later date as well, time will tell. So, who are my fellow redditors out there?

The Oddity That Is The Encouraging Rejection

I’ve become accustomed to rejection. I’m still in the early stages of my collection, as yesterday I received lucky number 13 if you’re scoring at home. But this one was different.

To paraphrase, it read, in part: Thank you for submitting your story to our online magazine. Unfortunately, our editors did not feel your story was a fit for out site. We liked your writing style and the story did a good job of building tension, but we felt the climax was too drastic a step and too far a leap for the protagonist to take. We thought there wasn’t enough motivation for such a drastic measure. Thanks again for submitting, and please consider submitting to us again in the future.

They didn’t want to publish my story, but they liked my writing style and wouldn’t mind seeing me submit something else. I can live with that. I like the site/magazine I submitted to, so if they liked my work, I’ll take that compliment. Still, it’s a bit weird.

I play guitar, and although three is a pretty small collection, if money were no object I’d certainly have many, many more. So I imagined a scenario where someone is trying to sell me a guitar. “Oh, that’s nice. Yes, fine craftsmanship, made out of good quality wood, very nice. What’s that? Oh, no, I don’t want it…but it’s nice.”

I’m not complaining about getting another rejection, and I’m not trying to make too much of the fact that they paid me a compliment (for all I know they may say roughly the same thing in every rejection letter). It’s just that it was a weird combination of feelings to experience; the sting of rejection followed by the glimmer of hope. The spank and the rub, if you will.

In an environment where rejection falls on and around you like torrential rain, even the smallest of compliments is like a momentary break in the clouds. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to look the story over and submit again, so I need to brace myself for the storm.

Could True Detective Be the Future of Television? And A Word About Philip Seymour Hoffman

I love TV. I really do. There seems to be a bit of a disconnect between books and film as opposed to television among a lot of people. TV has always been looked down on a bit, seen as appealing to the lowest common denominator by putting out broader, more simplistic programming.

In a recent interview, Billy Bob Thornton said he feels that the tides have turned in that regard, and television is now the smarter, more sophisticated medium (you may be asking yourself Who gives a crap what Billy Bob Thornton thinks? and I couldn’t blame you, but that’s beside the point). In recent years TV shows have consistently raised the bar, starting in my opinion with The Sopranos, to the point that now some of the best stories being told are on the small (but ever growing in physical size) screen.

In a way, it seems like it should’ve been that way all along. Movies are forced to tell you a story in two—or in Martin Scorcese’s case, three—hours, whereas a TV show can take its time, pacing the story however they want; the problem is they often drag it out for far too long.

Enter True Detective, HBO’s new anthology series starring Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey as a pair of mismatched detectives trying to solve the case of a serial killer in 1990’s Louisiana, and being interrogated about the case in the present day. That description kind of makes it sound like some terrible stoner buddy cop movie, but I assure you it’s anything but. The tension that builds between the two due to their differing world views is palpable. The acting and writing is excellent, the direction and cinematography are top notch, and it totally reminds me of the feeling I used to get watching The Sopranos—that I was watching something special, not just any old TV show.

What makes True Detective even more unique is the anthology format: while the series is likely to be picked up for a second season, it’s already been set in stone that the current storyline with Harrelson and McConaughey will be wrapped up in this season’s eight episodes. When/if the series returns for season two, it will follow a similar format but have new lead actors solving a new mystery, in the vein of FX’s American Horror Story.

If I had the power to control anything in the world of television, I’d like to see the anthology make a comeback in a big, big way. When you think about it, it seems like a win-win for everyone involved: the networks wouldn’t necessarily have to pay for full 22 episode seasons, as anthologies can be as few or as many episodes as its creators want. Which is good, since paying bigger name actors and directors would likely mean a bigger budget. Also, from the actors and directors point of view, they can work on a quality project but not be locked down for several months out of the year, leaving them open for movie projects or sunbathing in the south of France, or whatever it is actors do when they’re not working.

There was a horror anthology on Showtime a few years ago called Masters of Horror (2005-2007) which, fittingly, showcased legendary horror directors behind the camera for one episode of the show apiece. My favorite episode of the series was titled Incident On and Off a Mountain Road, directed by Don Coscarelli of Phantasm fame and adapted from the short story by master of horror in his own right Joe Lansdale, but I digress. My point was that getting big names (be they actors or directors) for shorter commitments (and with definitive endings to the stories in sight) can benefit everyone.

Networks just love dragging shows out past their prime; it’s disappointing. My DVR is like a TV graveyard for once-promising shows that my wife and I lost interest in. Falling Skies. Revolution. Under the Dome. Even The Walking Dead, the one I would’ve thought I’d watch until the final frame. Having no end in sight means they have to stretch the shows to the point that I just don’t care about them anymore. But I can tell you this: I will be watching every episode of True Detective, and savoring every moment of it.

PS—I type this on Sunday afternoon, a few hours after hearing the news of the passing of Philip Seymour Hoffman. There isn’t really anything I can say about him that someone else hasn’t already said; he really was a brilliant actor, and I never saw him in anything where he wasn’t “on,” as they say. But rather than lament on the shocking loss, I’ll recommend one of his movies.

Everyone is mentioning Capote, for which he won the Oscar, as well as Boogie Nights, Magnolia, The Master, and of course Hunger Games. But there’s one that has flown inexplicably under the radar ever since its release: Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead (2007) is an excellent thriller starring Hoffman and Ethan Hawke as brothers who aren’t as smart as they think, and find out just how incompetent they really are when they try to pull off a heist of their parents’ jewelry store and botch it something awful, with heartbreaking consequences. It costars Marisa Tomei and Albert Finney, and also happens to be the final film from legendary director Sidney Lumet, who went out on an extraordinarily high note with this film. Give it a watch and I’ll bet you like it. It’s a tragic reminder of yet another talented actor gone too soon.

The Bechdel Test: I Passed and I Didn’t Even Study

I recently became aware of a sort of litmus test for movies, which I feel also relates to writing and storytelling in general. It’s called The Bechdel Test, the origins of which go back to a comic created by cartoonist Alison Bechdel in 1985. From the site Bechdeltest.com:

The Bechdel Test, sometimes called the Mo Movie Measure or Bechdel Rule is a simple test which names the following three criteria:

(1) it has to have at least two women in it, who (2) who talk to each other, about (3) something besides a man.

Sounds pretty simple, right?

Yet despite its simple construct many, many movies fail to meet the criteria. That piqued my interest, so I decided to take a look at my own work to see how I fare.

Of the four longer projects I’ve either completed or am working on (novels/novellas), two pass and two don’t. Is that good? Should I alter the ones that don’t meet the criteria?

I understand the point of the test—to put a spotlight on gender (in)equality in moviemaking. Which makes sense, since most big budget Hollywood movies are produced by a group of old, rich, white men, and the movies they put out are not always a true representation of the moviegoing public. The publishing industry is a different beast altogether, what with the multitude of indie and genre specific publishers in the business, but that doesn’t change what became my ultimate question: whether they pass the Bechdel Test or not, are my stories relatable?

Sometimes a story just can’t have every demographic present. The Pass the Remote blog just discussed the Bechdel Test, and presented a lot of examples of movies that do and don’t cut the mustard and for what reason. As I thought about it, I realized one of my wife’s favorite movies (and mine too), The Shawshank Redemption, fails miserably. I don’t think there’s a female in the whole movie, other than a few mentions of Andy Dufresne’s wife. That doesn’t take anything away from it of make it any less of a movie (or book, as I’m sure most of you know it’s based on the novella by Stephen King).

Still, while I wouldn’t go out of my way to alter my story simply to pass this unofficial test for gender bias, I do consciously think about gender and ethnicity when I’m dreaming up a story. There’s even a version of the Bechdel that changes the focus from women to people of color—unfortunately none of my work passes that test. I want to have characters from all walks of life, but I don’t want any of them to be caricatures or stereotypes, and I don’t want to throw in characters who are flat or one dimensional just to be able to claim diversity.

One of my current works in progress features several hispanic characters, for two reasons. 1) Necessity, since the first half of the story takes place in a small town in Mexico, and 2) I have been surrounded by Latinos and their culture my whole life and am comfortable creating Hispanic characters that are realistic and three dimensional (or at least as realistic and three dimensional as any of my other characters).

My newest work in progress has an African-American character in it, my first. I did originally conceive the character as a white guy, but all the other principle characters (who am I kidding, every other character in the book) were white, and it just seemed like that was A) boring, and B) unrealistic. So I made the change, and I’m glad I did. It brings a different dynamic to the four main characters (homicide detectives) and makes the story more interesting. What I realized as I began writing this post was that I made the change because I thought it would make the story better, not because it would diversify the make up of the characters.

Now I want to hear what you guys think. As a writer, a reader, a watcher of TV and movies—how much do you think about this stuff? Will you watch/read something even if it leans one way or the other in terms of it gender and ethnic make up? Would you consider adding more diverse characters to your own story for diversity’s sake or do you trust your instincts and let it fly as it is?

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