BooksofJobe.com

On Constructive Criticism, Beta Readers, and Being An Accidental Fraud

Constructive Criticism

Last week I found a great new (to me) website called Lit Reactor. You may have already heard of it, but if you haven’t, it’s a tremendous resource for writers looking to better their craft (and aren’t we all?). The site is a spinoff of sorts from The Cult, official website of author Chuck Palahniuk, and features pretty much everything a writer could possibly imagine. From essays on the craft of writing to articles on how to write a query letter and get an agent, all the advice given here is from people in the field – published authors (many of which you’ve probably heard of), agents, publishers, etc.

Along with reading Mr. Palahniuk’s essays on writing, which already have my head spinning with good advice, the best thing about the site in my opinion is the writers workshop. Here, members of the site can submit their work for their fellow writers to critique and review. After reading a few of the stories other people had submitted and the (extremely detailed) critiques people wrote back, I was ready to submit one of my own and see what people thought. So that’s what I did.

Hoo boy.

By the next morning, two people had offered up reviews/critiques suggesting what may need to be fixed. I wasn’t surprised that they were offering ways to fix my story. I expected it. What I didn’t expect was that they would offer so many ways to fix it. One person even included a line by line review, where words and sentences were underlined and suggestions made as to what to change or take out altogether. I guess I just thought the story was more polished than it really is. Reading the multitude of things wrong with my story that morning, I got a little dejected. Until, that is, I got to work.

Beta Readers

I have two people who serve as my beta readers. They don’t realize that’s what they are, but they are. I sent them each of my novellas and they would tell me what they did or didn’t like about them. The thing is, since I know them pretty well they won’t give me any honest feedback about anything they don’t like. For the most part. So if they both give me the same piece feedback, I’m tempted to think there’s something to that.

My second beta reader emailed me Friday to let me know he finished novella #2. He said he really liked it for the most part, which cheered me up some after the critiquing beatdown I’d gotten earlier, but he thought the ending was very abrupt and there should have been more resolution. I liked the abrupt ending, but having two different people tell me it ended too soon made me think. Since the story had been left open, I had thoughts not of a sequel per se, but more of a spinoff. Now I’m thinking about combining the two into one story, which would turn novella #2 into novel #1.

Here’s the thing: the protagonist is basically written off at the end of the first half, and the second half would follow the antagonist with a new protagonist. Is that crazy? I can tie in the first protagonist easily enough (they are actually ex-husband and wife), but it isn’t something I’ve seen done before, which is both scary and exciting. I hope to start the rough draft for the second half in the next day or two.

Being an Accidental Fraud

I’m turning red just at the thought of typing this, but when it comes to anything writing related I will share anything with you guys, even if it is a bit awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing.

Fellow writer and blogger Darius Jones sent out a quick blog post Friday announcing he had a short story being published on the Fiction Vortex website. This is the first work of his accepted for publication, and that’s a big deal, worthy of celebrating. I wanted to do my part to help spread the word and get people to read his story, so I decided to reblog his post.

I forgot/didn’t realize one tiny detail.

Via the Publicize feature on WordPress, my blog posts are also sent out on Facebook and Twitter. Even posts that I reblog. Do you see where this is headed?

I was at work when I reblogged Darius’s good news, and when I got home later I saw the post had shown up on Facebook, and one of my relatives ‘liked’ it. Surely they don’t think it was me who got published…do they? Nah… I went back about my business and tried to unwind after a long week. Read a little, played some games on the iPad, that sort of thing. A couple hours later I went back on Facebook and now had 8 ‘likes.’

Oh God, everyone thinks I got published.

I put a comment on the post trying to explain what had happened, and that I appreciated everyone’s showing of well wishes, blah blah blah. There, that should take care of it.

Then, another hour later, the death blow.

A text from my Dad: So how does it feel to be a published author?

Jesus.

So, in short, don’t worry everybody. I’m still in search of that first publication. But to right this wrong, please check out Darius’s blog, and click here to read his short story!

Now, for anyone willing to comment, a couple of questions:

Have you read/written a story that shifted the POV from one protagonist to another as the story progressed? How did you like it?

Before writing this post I took a quick look around Chuck Palahniuk’s website, and realized he’s on a book tour and will be stopping in my town! I’ve never actually been to an author event before, what’s it like? Do the authors read excerpts, or just sit there and sign books as a line files by? What authors have you met/seen in person, and how was it?

Sometimes, The Book Isn’t Better

Over the past month or so I’ve been listening to the audiobook version of Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. I know some people out there don’t like audiobooks, but I really enjoy them. As someone who’s always been fascinated by voice acting, I love hearing a good performance of a good book. I thought Gone Girl was pretty good. Not great, but good. Having already known that David Fincher is attached to direct the film version when it hits theaters in 2015, as soon as the audiobook was over I had one thought – I’ll bet the movie’s better. Which is kind of backwards to popular opinion, isn’t it?

We’ve all heard it before. Most of us have probably said it ourselves, and probably more than once.

“I saw _Insert Movie Title Here_ the other day.”

“Oh yeah? How was it?”

“It was okay. The book was better.”

I used to think (and sometimes still do) that some people would say that no matter how good the movie was, just as a sort of humblebrag to let people know they’ve read a book. But there’s a reason all of us have heard that and most of us have said it – it’s usually true. There are things in books, be they physical descriptions, what characters are thinking, etc. that can be hard to convey on film. Then there’s the matter of the story itself. Some stories just lend themselves to the written word better than any other medium. So the movie that really is better than the book can be a rare bird indeed.

The Ground Rules

First off, as usual with my “list” posts, I’m limiting this to five. Also, I’m keeping it honest by only ranking books I’ve actually read. It would’ve been easy to include books I hadn’t, as the same books populate every other similar list – Jaws, A Clockwork Orange, Blade Runner, The Godfather and many others. And seriously, is there any way humanly possible the book Wise Guy by Nicholas Pileggi could be better than Goodfellas? But I resisted temptation. Finally, I’m limiting the list to just one Stephen King book/movie adaptation. I’ve read his work far and away more than any other author, and could easily devote an entire post solely to films based on his work.

The Honorable Mentions

Manhunter (Michael Mann, 1986) vs Red Dragon (Thomas Harris, 1981)

This was a tough call for me, so I decided list it as an honorable mention just to give it some recognition. Although I haven’t read it in several years, the first of the Hannibal Lecter books has long been one of my favorite thrillers. When you take a book that good and adapt it with Michael Mann directing, you’re going to get a good movie. And you do. Manhunter is very good, and it may very well have made my list if it weren’t for one thing: the ending. Some people consider the end of the novel to be a bit cliche, but I liked it. The movie changed it for whatever reason, and it left me disappointed. That being said, Manhunter is still a great movie. Although Anthony Hopkins would eventually claim the character as his own, it’s very interesting to see how Brian Cox plays Dr. Lecter.

The Shining (Stanley Kubrick, 1980) vs The Shining (Stephen King 1977)

Like I said, I’ll keep the list limited to one Stephen King adaptation, but if I’m doing honorable mentions I may as well go ahead and mention The Shining. It is my all-time favorite horror movie, and I usually end up watching it every October when channels start running horror marathons leading up to Halloween. Thing is, I really like the book, too. It’s scary in its own right, and I think over the years the movie has overshadowed it, which kind of sucks. But, as much as I hate to disagree with the master, I like the movie better. King purists (which are a rabid bunch) vehemently disagree with me, but I’ll stand my ground. The film is actually much darker and funnier at the same time. The movie is a bit like the book on LSD. So what Stephen King work did I rank higher? Funny you should ask, because that brings us to…

The List

5. The Shawshank Redemption (Frank Darabont, 1994) vs Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption (Stephen King, 1982) *from the book Different Seasons

This is a case where the movie really didn’t change too much; just some small tweaks like combining multiple characters into one, adding the death of a character to heighten the drama, that sort of thing. The story itself was really not altered. It’s just that the movie was that damn good.

As big a fan of movies as I am, I don’t always notice things like cinematography, art direction, lighting, etc. After writing, acting, and directing the other technical aspects of a film can go unnoticed. When I watch Shawshank I may not necessarily recognize exactly what it is that sets it apart from so many other movies, but I know it’s special. It’s a bit like eating a delicious plate of food. You may not be able to pick out each specific ingredient, but when you taste all of it together you know it’s something extraordinary.

This movie is also the very, very rare exception where I wholeheartedly approve of the “Hollywood ending.” Honestly, was there any other way this movie could’ve ended other than with Andy and Red meeting up on the beach?

4. No Country for Old Men (Joel and Ethan Coen, 2007) vs No Country for Old Men (Cormac McCarthy, 2005)

I have a confession to make: I’m not a huge Cormac McCarthy fan. When The Road came out to such acclaim, I thought I should give it a look to see what all the hubbub was about. I think I made it about 35 pages, then gave up. A couple months later I picked it back up and finished it. It was a challenge, though. I guess his writing style is just not for me. I obviously see the talent Mr. McCarthy has, but it’s lost on me. It’s like listening to Mozart when you’d rather just crank The Ramones.

That being said, even after my experience with The Road I wanted to give him another shot. I had already seen the Coen Brothers film and really liked it a lot, so I decided to try the book. I did like it better than The Road, but something about it just never really grabbed me and pulled me in. Like Shawshank, the movie barely changed a thing story-wise, but it just heightened everything to a new level. I felt a tension and sense of dread watching the movie that I didn’t feel with the book. Maybe reading the book first would have had a different effect on me, but after reading a few pages of Blood Meridian, I think it’s safe to say my Cormac McCarthy collection will never take up much space on my bookshelf.

3. Fight Club (David Fincher, 1999) vs Fight Club (Chuck Palahniuk, 1996)

Chuck Palahniuk is one of my favorite authors, easily in my top 5. The thing about his books, though, is they don’t necessarily make for an easy transition to the big screen. Which makes Fight Club that much more remarkable. David Fincher took a very complicated story and managed to make it easier to follow without dumbing it down at all. He turned a good book into an excellent movie. The casting and direction were also top notch, and I can’t imagine the book being adapted any better. Palahniuk himself has said that the film is superior to his book, and I have to say, he’s not wrong.

2. Jackie Brown (Quentin Tarantino, 1997) vs Rum Punch (Elmore Leonard, 1992)

Again, an author in my top 5. Elmore Leonard has a gift for writing dialogue that sets him apart from most other writers. I got a box full of Leonard paperbacks for Christmas a few years ago and tore through most of them in no time flat. Writing this reminds me I need to go back and read the rest to remind myself why he’s a master.

At this point in the list we reach movies that really made some changes. In the case of Jackie Brown, some pretty significant changes. For one, the ethnicity of the main character. In Rum Punch, Jackie is white. Casting Pam Grier, changing the character’s last name to Brown, all the awesome music, creating an homage to ’70’s Blaxploitation films? All Quentin Tarantino.

He still could have made a good movie without making those changes, but it’s those changes that make the movie what it is. Following the blockbuster success of Pulp Fiction, I think this movie let some fans down who were perhaps looking for something a little more violent. That’s really a shame, because I think Jackie Brown is nearly flawless. Robert Forster was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his work here, but lost to Robin Williams for his performance in Good Will Hunting. Robin Williams was great in that, but part of me feels Robert Forster was robbed.

1. The Prestige (Christopher Nolan, 2006) vs The Prestige (Christopher Priest, 1995)

This film tops my list for two reasons: it’s my favorite film of the five, and it changed the source material the most. Christopher Priest’s novel is intriguing to say the least, but Christopher Nolan took that novel and made something truly awesome.

I should mention here that I really can’t stand period pieces. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a dude, or because I’m American, maybe both; all I know is if a story is set before, say, the 1950’s I’m generally not interested. So when I heard the plot of The Prestige – two rival magicians in nineteenth century London feud while trying to one-up each other performing the ultimate illusion – I was less than thrilled. But given Nolan’s track record (Memento is another one of my favorites) I decided to check it out.

I loved this movie, and I feel it’s one that practically demands repeat viewings. The way elements of Priest’s novel are taken and tweaked are so masterful that I felt like it made the book seem vastly inferior. The way the film unfolds in the same manner as a magic trick blew me away, and I think is something that may be lost on a lot of people, which is why the film asks you, “Are you watching closely?”

Like with No Country for Old Men, I read the book after seeing the film; reading the book first may have changed my opinion.

Well, there you have it. As always, these are just the subjective opinions of some geek on the internet. Feel free to agree or disagree as you please by leaving a comment below. If you’ve read one of the books but not seen the movie, or the other way around, do so and see what you think, and please, let me know.

What Do You Do When You Don’t Know What to Do?

I’ve been keeping up with my bizarre new ritual of getting up about an hour early every morning to spend some time on my writing. It’s allowed me time to catch up on other people’s blogs, check my email, try and find publishers accepting novella submissions (which is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought), check Facebook…basically do anything but write.

It’s not that I don’t want to write. On the contrary, I’m itching to write. I did write another flash fiction piece, but I’m anxious to write something a little longer. The problem? To borrow a phrase from Ned Flanders, I’m in a dilly of a pickle.

I have a rough draft just sitting there, waiting for me to work my magic, but the magic well appears to have run dry. I see (some of) the problems with it, but haven’t had any light bulbs going off about how to fix them. And so I sit. And read. And wait. And nothing comes.

I’ve read that the hardest part is getting the idea out of your head and onto the computer. Once the rough draft is out of you, whatever you are left with can be shaped and fixed. I’m at a loss here, and don’t see an immediate solution. I guess what I’m wondering is…

Is it a cardinal sin to just set a WIP aside and start a totally new project?

Of course, even if I do that, I’m not totally ready to begin on my new project either. I’m still researching some, and I’m trying to outline and develop the plot a bit more before I start writing. Am I transforming from a pantser to a planner? That’s a topic for another post.

So what’s the popular opinion among the other writers on WordPress? Commit to finish the project before starting a new one, come hell or high water, or start something new and resolve to go back to it later? Of course, there’s also a third option – finish editing the novella I pulled back from submissions. God, there’s more that I could be doing than I realized…your opinions and advice are encouraged and welcome.

Rejection, Dejection, Commendation, and Inspiration

Quite a ride on the Aspiring Writers’ Emotional Tilt-A-Whirl yesterday. I checked my email just before leaving for work to find that my second submission to a publisher has been swiftly rejected. Nothing heartbreaking or earth shattering there; to be honest, I’m not completely surprised. The novella was not necessarily the best fit for the publisher. Despite my twisted nature, this story is more of a conventional, straight-ahead crime story, and was probably not “dark” enough for them. That’s okay, I will continue submitting. That being said, I was able to express exactly how I felt upon receiving the news with two simple words:

Well, shit.

Even though I may not have been surprised, it was still a crappy way to start the day. I spent the drive to work wondering if there was anything I overlooked in regards to the plot or characters. After thinking it over, I still feel pretty confident that it’s a solid piece of work. I’ll take the advice of an excellent fellow writer whose opinion I trust and continue to submit at least a few more times before I let the succubus of self-doubt start to creep back in.

At 10am, however, I was still fighting off gloom and grumpiness when I took my morning break and checked my email again – because, you know, the publisher may have changed their mind. What I found instead was a message from Readwave, the Pinterest-type website for writers and readers where I’ve been publishing most of my short stories, telling me that my latest short story, Blue Skies, was chosen as a Staff Pick, and was promptly getting moved to the site’s front page. What good news! It may not have been ‘hey, we love this 28,000 word novella you spent hours and hours writing and editing’ good, but it still brightened my day considerably. After feeling a bit low for a couple hours, here was confirmation I had really been needing for a while – to know my writing doesn’t suck.

I’ve gotten plenty of wonderful words of encouragement here on the blog, and I’m extremely grateful for all the comments, especially on the infamous Freshly Pressed post; it’s really boosted my confidence, which is an area where I’m severely deficient. The thing is, my fiction is still largely unread at this point. Beta readers are damn hard to come by, and so I just keep on truckin’ with only my own opinion to go on. So to finally get a piece of mine recognized as being un-sucky felt pretty nice (shameless self-promotion: it’s only 400 words, a mere three-minute read. If you haven’t already done so, check it out here. Go on, I’ll wait.).

The final thing that’s been going on with me over the past few days is inspiration. You see, all the writing I’ve been doing over the past year and a half, these two novellas and the (will it or won’t it turn out to be a) novel I’m working on are all ideas that have been in my head for a long time. Several years, actually. I began to worry once I got them all written I wouldn’t have another single good idea. I managed to crank a few short stories out of thin air, but nothing else had lit a spark in this tar pit I call a brain. Until, that is, something did.

If I told you exactly what lit the spark it would sound like the corniest thing you’ve ever heard (oh, screw it, I’ll tell you-it was the song Santa Claus is Coming to Town). But it stuck, and within ten minutes I had ideas bouncing around and colliding with each other like coked-out pinballs. This is the first time since I started writing again that I’ve had an honest to goodness moment of inspiration, and it feels invigorating. I can’t outline and research fast enough; I just want to start writing the damn thing. Which brings me to a bit of a problem. I have a rough draft in need of some serious TLC, and I don’t want to just chuck it aside for something new. I’ll have to judiciously divide my time, writing during the week when I only have limited time, and editing and rewriting on weekends when I have a little more time to focus and pay more attention to detail.

One last fairly random item: I’m planning on going on a ride along with the local Police Department in the very-near future. This new Big Idea I got involves police procedure to a degree I’ve never written about before, mostly because I’m ignorant to it all. I figured what better way to learn than to get in the patrol car and hit the streets with the real deal. Has anyone done this before? I was planning on riding with one of my good friends when I lived in California, but things got in the way and it never happened. If it’s interesting at all I’m sure I’ll make a post out of it.

In the meantime, I’m going to get some rainy day weekend sleep (is there any better kind?) and get busy writing. Feel free to share your moments of pure creative inspiration, your own highs and lows on the emotional tilt-a-whirl, or your experiences with the police (good or bad) in the comments below.

The Books of Jobe Not-Really-A-Book Review – Born Standing Up, Steve Martin

There are a select few people out in the world who I consider to be flat-out awesome. Call it what you will – my idols, my favorite people, the people I know would be best friends with me if we could just meet, whatever. It’s people like Ray Charles; Martin Scorsese; B.B. King; Stephen King (no relation to B.B.); but perhaps more than anyone, Steve Martin. He’s a musician, songwriter, actor, writer, and up until just a few years ago when Dane Cook broke his record (really? Dane Cook?), he had the highest-selling comedy albums of all time.

I tell you that so you understand this is not an unbiased book review. To be honest, it’s not going to be much of a book review at all. But I’ll get to that.

As a native of Southern California, it was fascinating to read about young Steve getting his first job at Disneyland right after it opened. He was all of thirteen and would ride his bike there everyday after school to work at the magic shop inside the hallowed grounds. He quickly became fascinated with how the more experienced magicians (the adults) would get laughs from the customers and learned everything he could from them.

The small magic shop couldn’t contain his performing bug, so he eventually moved up the road to the Birdcage Theater inside Knott’s Berry Farm. If you’ve never heard of it, Knott’s is a bit like Disneyland’s little brother. He worked there for a few years before leaving to attend college and begin working on a stand up routine.

That is merely the tip of the iceberg, and I would highly recommend the book to anyone who enjoys Steve Martin, stand up comedy, show business, the L.A./Hollywood scene of the late sixties, or tales of the pursuit and achievement of one’s dreams turning out to be different than imagined. He explains why he quit stand up never to look back, and I found it quite interesting.

The real reason I wanted to discuss this book, however, is this: as I was reading, he was discussing how excited he was about pretty much everything going on in his life in his early twenties – his thirst for knowledge, his never-ending quest to perfect his stand up, and his willingness to jump at any chance to learn something or do something new. At one point during a road trip to New York, he wrote his girlfriend a postcard about how he’d had a breakthrough regarding the direction of his comedy routine and made broad proclamations as to what he was going to do about it. Then there was this line:

“Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.”

That line stuck in my head with such force that the next few sentences I read didn’t even register. I had to stop reading for a minute and go back and read the sentence again.

“…there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.”

Truth be told, it came as quite a relief. Since I started trying to take my writing more and more seriously, I’ve been constantly trying to keep myself grounded. I’ve known from the get go the chances are slim to none I’ll ever make money writing, but I would still find my mind wandering to magical lands where my books were published and some people even paid money to read them. What’s more, they actually liked them.

I tried not to dwell on such thoughts; the way it seems to be spelled out is as follows: writers write, edit, rewrite, edit, revise, edit, edit their edits, submit, repeat. Success could happen but you couldn’t worry about it, you just keep writing.

I understand that philosophy, and I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with that. But for some of us, you’ve got to allow a little leeway to daydream some. You’ve got to believe there’s at least some chance you could be hugely successful someday, and thanks to Mr. Martin I know it’s okay to picture myself doing readings and book signings once in a while. Who knows, with enough commitment, dedication, and hard work, someday some of it may not turn out to be a delusion after all.

PS – If you enjoy comedy and haven’t seen Bowfinger, check it out. I’d say it’s one of the most underrated comedies of all time.

PSS – I’ve added another (very) short story titled Blue Skies to my Readwave page. You can check it out, as well as my other short stories, here.

In the Name of the Author, the Editor, and the Almighty Publisher…Please Let Me Call This Work Finished

After I spotted a serious problem with my novella, I went back to rework some of the scenes even though I had boldly declared the work “finished” months ago. Since then, I’ve been tweaking out on it every moment that I have to devote to writing (is ‘tweaking out’ a universal term? Having lived for so long in one of the methamphetamine capitals of the U.S., it sort of just became a common term for paying strict attention to detail).

All this week I’ve been getting up at 6am, approximately30-45 minutes earlier than I have to get up for work, to devote some time to fixing the scenes and plot points that need tweaking. To people who only know me from this blog and don’t know me personally, that’s a HUGE deal. I’ve always been able to get up as early as need be for work, but anything other than that is nearly impossible. For a while in my twenties, when I was at my physical peak, I would get up super early to go for a run, but that was almost like another life.

That’s how badly I want to get this finished. I want to move on. I have the rough draft of (what may or may not turn out to be long enough to be) my novel sitting, waiting for me. Although, truth be told, I haven’t had any real ‘a-ha!’ moments on what to do with that yet. I’ve submitted my other novella to a publisher, and I submitted a short story to a website for consideration, so fingers crossed on those.

What’s somewhat ironic to me is that this novella I’m trying to fix once and for all has been like The Work That Will Not Die. I’ve rewritten and reworked the story several times, and every time I think it’s done I find something else wrong. Novella # 2 wasn’t like that. It flew out of my head and into the computer in mere weeks, and I barely changed a thing in terms of the plot or characters. The rough draft was pretty much complete. It was practically effortless in comparison.

Has anyone else had a project like that, where you just keep thinking it’s done only to find ‘one more thing’ wrong with it? Is it something that can be chalked up to being a perfectionist, or is it some sort of odd attachment issue I have that keeps me from letting go?

Of Internal Bleeding, Rewrites, and Crank Calls

It’s been another crazy week or two here on the homestead. Usually, my life is so free of drama that just running errands on the weekend is a big deal. The last three weeks , though, have given me enough excitement to last for months. These are sort of random thoughts I probably could’ve split up into three separate posts, but instead I’ll just condense it all in one, and you can jump to the section that interests you.

Internal Bleeding

I had to take my wife to the ER last week. She was not happy about it but knew she had no choice, as she was showing signs of internal bleeding. I did my best to reassure her that it was going to be fine, maybe they’d just give her a prescription and we’d be on our way. Um…no. Instead they admitted her to the hospital so they could run some tests and she ended up being there overnight. Health-wise, we’ve been pretty damn lucky thus far in our lives, and I realize that. I’ve lost friends and relatives to cancer and other diseases, and I knew this wasn’t that serious. Still, having to leave her alone in her room for the night when visiting hours were over (and still not knowing what was wrong) was really hard to do. I could write much, much more about the whole ordeal, but the last thing I’ll say is this regarding the ER staff-although I appreciate the attempt to be efficient and get my wife the care she needed in a timely manner, do you really think you can cram seven people into an ER examining room all asking the patient questions at the same time and not expect them to feel a wee bit overwhelmed? Oh, and by the way: my wife is doing much better.

Rewrites

I began doing some soul searching on my first novella a few weeks ago. Although it had only been rejected once, I had a feeling deep down that I didn’t want to admit: it wasn’t as good as it could be. I kept telling myself it was, but I knew otherwise. It finally clicked about two weeks ago, when I realized that although there had never been any doubt in my mind who my protagonist was, I wrote it like another character was the protagonist. I began to see some of the scenes I wrote with a newly found clarity. My protagonist was a damn spectator half the time! I’ve begun rewriting some of the scenes, and tweaking certain minor plot points accordingly.

I’ve never done anything this dramatic to any of my stories before, but I have a renewed confidence that it had to be done and it’s for the best. I think I’ve also come up with a more compelling title as well. The story has a current working title of Giving Them Back to God. I’ve read other writers’ concerns that putting God in the title can be asking for trouble, but for now I really like the sound of it.

To the other writers out there, have you ever suddenly realized you needed to rewrite part or all of your work? Was it worth it in the end or were you over-thinking what your story needed?

Crank Calls

I used to love The Jerky Boys. For those who may not be familiar, The Jerky Boys were popular in the ’90’s, selling millions of copies of CD’s full of prank phone calls.

Does anyone under the age of, say, 25 even get the concept of a prank call? In this day and age of email, texts, tweets, and Facebook posts, getting an actual phone call can be somewhat of a novelty. Not to mention the fact that everyone has caller ID, and if someone sees a number they don’t recognize they often simply won’t answer.

People growing up in this day and age may never understand the thrill of calling someone (whether it be someone you know or some poor soul picked at random) and trying to make them believe some ridiculous premise or get them to do something outrageous without blowing it by laughing.

What’s more, these young people may also never know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a crank call, either. I’ve had the rare distinction of being on both the giving and the receiving end of a high number of prank calls. When I worked at a music store, I used to call regularly on slow days from a phone in the back room, changing my voice and pretending to be a customer to see how long one of my co-workers would put up with me. I would ask them to special order albums by non-existent bands, forcing them to comb through an actual paper catalog searching for something that wasn’t there. Once I even convinced an assistant manager there was going to be an inspection to ensure the store was meeting fire code. I was lucky to work at a store where everyone had a good sense of humor.

On the other end of the spectrum, I also worked as a 411 directory assistance operator for three grueling, insufferable years. At the time (2000-2003), people still had landlines as their primary phone. On top of that, many customers were given five free 411 calls a month. It was an open invitation to snotty little brats to call and harass someone.

I was one of the exceptions in the office, because I absolutely loved getting prank calls there; most of the miserable old codgers who worked there would get pissed and hang up. Not me. It broke up the monotony of robotically handling upwards of 1,000 calls a day. No exaggeration, a thousand calls a day. Anything that would breathe some life into my day was gladly accepted and appreciated.

The most common type of prank call was a kid (or kids) asking for the number to a fictional character. As in:

City and state, please?

Um, Gotham City. (giggle)

For what listing, please?

Batman.

This is what I would hear on the recording in my ear seconds before the call was connected, giving me a little time to think. I would usually reply with something to the effect of, “I’m sorry, there’s no listing for Batman in Gotham or surrounding cities. Would you like me to do a business search for Wayne Industries or a residential search for Bruce Wayne?”

One time, after receiving a request for Clark Kent, I replied that we had no listing and offered to do a business search for the Daily Planet. After a moment’s silence, I was told, “You’re no fun,” before being hung up on.

But my favorite prank call to get when I worked there was the rudest, crudest, and least original.

This one guy who called regularly wouldn’t use the recording, forcing us to give our opening live. Mine was, “Hi, this is Ken, city and state, please?”

His reply would be, in a perfect mocking voice, “Uh, hi, this is Ken, city and state, please? What a dick!” That was it. He would mockingly imitate me, call me a dick, then hang up.

Words cannot express the joy I got out of these phone calls. No matter what kind of crap day I was having (which was basically every day), that guy never failed to make me laugh. He had no idea how his calls were doing the complete opposite of what I assume was his intended effect.

I got this guy at least two or three times a month for several months, until inexplicably I didn’t get him for a very long time. Then, one day out of the blue I gave my opening and heard the familiar, “Uh, hi, this is Ken, city and state, please? What a dick!”

Without taking a second to process what was about to come out of my mouth, I said happily, “Hey, man, where have you been? I missed you!”

Silence.

Click.

I really wish I could’ve seen the look on the guy’s face during those few seconds before he hung up. I picture the look my dog gives me when I say words he doesn’t understand and he looks at me with his head tilted to one side.

So, has anyone out there made or received a crank call lately? If not, what are some of your favorite stories from back in the olden days?

Top 5 Movies I Hated Initially, But Now Love

Before I get on to the topic at hand, a quick note:

In 1992, my old band opened for the death metal band Cannibal Corpse. We had only been together a few months, and only had a half hour’s worth of material at most. But thanks to our lead singer’s relentless hustling of tickets to the show, we were awarded the opening slot.

So there we were: an inexperienced group of kids, thrown on a stage in a crowded, sweaty little club that had been packed in excess of the fire code thanks to the greedy owner, with all eyes on us. Waiting. Expecting.

That’s sort of how I feel right now, after getting all the love and affection from the WordPress community. Having my previous post selected for Freshly Pressed was surreal to say the least. Here I was going about my business in my quiet little corner of the blogosphere, then I got an absolute tidal wave of page views and lovely comments, and it’s been an absolutely wonderful experience. But now I feel all these virtual eyes on me. Waiting. Expecting.

I didn’t know how to follow that up, so here’s a post about movies 🙂

I found myself reading a thread on Reddit earlier singing the praises of the film Shutter Island. I don’t remmeber liking the movie very much, mostly because the trailer made the “twist” ending kind of obvious. I watched the movie and was disappointed to be proven right.

But reading all the comments from people saying how much they liked it made me think I should give it another shot. It is Scorcese, for Pete’s sake.

That got me thinking about movies I didn’t like (and in some cases downright hated) the first time I watched them, but after some time went back to them and did a complete 180. Here’s the top 5.

5. Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (Jay Roach, 1997)

It’s just so stupid, I remember thinking. I had already made up my mind I hated it before the opening credits were over. I can’t even remember if I finished it the first time I watched it, to be honest. I love comedy, but I don’t always like the really over the top stuff like the bottom-tier Wayans brothers (Marlon and Shawn), and every Adam Sandler movie since Big Daddy.

Then, one day I walked into the living room and my wife had turned it on, the scene where Will Ferrell’s character is telling Austin Powers how badly burned he is. It hit my funny bone just right, and I ended up settling in and watching the whole thing like it was the first time. I howled at it this time. It was like I was on a different wavelength that first time, and now I crack up at every stupid scene.

4. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Terry Gilliam, 1998)

Despite the title of this post, I don’t really love this movie, but I like it a lot more than when I first saw it. The first time I watched it, I thought it was pure crap. I just didn’t get it. I like Johnny Depp, I like Benecio Del Toro, but I don’t know…it just didn’t click. I think what helped was becoming more familiar with Hunter S. Thompson and what kind of crazy he was. Now when I watch it I appreciate it a lot more, and I feel bad for how harsh I was about it. I literally told a friend who liked it that I was sorry I ever watched it. Sorry, DJ.

3. Starship Troopers (Paul Verhoeven, 1997)

Another one where I just didn’t appreciate the humor and satire the first time around. I enjoyed the gore (of course) but I just couldn’t bring myself to like it. I later gave it a second chance and was really glad I did. I love this movie now, and can’t imagine what the hell was wrong with me when I watched it the first time.

2. Swingers (Doug Liman, 1996)

Okay, now here I was just being stubborn. I had the misfortune of seeing this movie literally after everyone I knew had already seen it. They all declared it the best movie ever, and that put an enormous chip on my shoulder. There was no way it could ever live up to the hype my friends gave it, so I basically crapped all over it when I watched it. Of course, now this is one of my favorite movies, and I feel like the ultimate hypocrite for being so cruel initially.

(As an aside, if your safe search is turned off and you do a Google image search for ‘swingers,’ you’re going to have quite an experience.)

1. Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess, 2004)

I’m sure I’m not alone here. I knew plenty of people who just flat didn’t like this movie when they saw it, and a lot who seemed to instantly hail it as an instant classic. I watched it with a raised eyebrow, unsure what to think of the dull, thick-headed characters I was seeing. It took several partial viewings before I finally started seeing the genius that this film actually was. Now I have a hard time not laughing just looking at stills from the movie.

So now it’s your turn.

I want to know what movies, books, TV shows, or music you really didn’t like the first time you experienced it, but now you really like it.

One last plug – I started using this website Readwave to publish a few short stories. A couple are nonfiction that I’ve already posted here on the blog, and a couple are stories I wrote just for shiggles. Feel free to wander on over and check them out, and leave me a comment to let me know what you think.

So, Apparently I’m Being Freshly Pressed…Do I Bring Out the Good China?

I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately when it comes to my writing. I have been writing plenty, but I’m putting off editing. I have so much editing to do, it’s ridiculous. The blog has become one of my favorite things, when I have something to write about.

So I was pretty shocked when I checked my email this afternoon to find an email from WordPress telling me my last post had been selected for Freshly Pressed. I thought it was spam. After all, why would they pick me?

I’m assuming it’s legit, but I’m starting to panic a little. There’s going to be people reading this stuff. I mean, you guys who already read it are people, but you know what I mean…I mean, does WordPress know a few posts ago I wrote about Dean Martin’s ode to masturbating to underage girls?

Now I have all these thoughts in my head – do I need to do anything to the blog? Spruce it up, so to speak? I feel like when you get short notice that you’re having company on a Tuesday night, and there are dirty dishes in the sink and unfolded laundry laying around. I am not really sure what to expect. I guess we’ll see what happens…

The Forgotten Art of Simple Conversation

Man, oh man, what a crazy few days I’ve had, you guys. I’ve gotten exactly squat done writing-wise in the last week or so.

It all began Thursday night, when this happened:

This is the view the morning after One Bad Mother of a thunderstorm came rolling through with 89mph winds. It’s a huge chunk of a maple tree that was convinced by the strong wind that maybe it would enjoy life in the front yard rather than the backyard it had called home for decades. There had been a wooden fence there.

Stuff like this happened all over the city; it wasn’t just me. Unfortunately, power poles also lost their fight against the fierce winds, snapping like twigs and cutting power to over 20,000 people at one point in the process. Our power went out around 7pm Thursday night.

We knew our line was okay, and even though it was very dark, it appeared that the damage was not all that bad in my neighborhood. Luckily, our devices were fully charged, so my wife and I spent the evening playing games and joking on Facebook about the storm. We had faith power would be back on soon, if not by the time we went to bed then sometime later in the night.

It didn’t come back on.

Being working stiffs with no other choice, we arose the next morning after a sweaty, muggy, crappy night’s sleep and went to work. News began to travel fast that people would be without power until late Friday night. Then it was Saturday around noon. Then it was by late Sunday. Then it was by Monday evening. I knew it would be different for different people, depending on their circumstances, but we began to face the possibility we might be without electricity all weekend.

By the time I came home Friday evening after a stressful day at work (in more ways than one), our house was an oven. We wisely decided that we would be slightly more comfortable in our basement, and took our flashlights and candles down to spend the night.

To compound the mounting stress, our garage door was acting wonky (technical term). It wouldn’t go all the way down, so I decided to have a look at it – Bad Idea #1. Then I thought I saw how to get the door down, I just needed to mess with it for a minute – Bad Idea #2. Ten minutes later, I had the garage door down, but was unable to get it up again. We had planned on going for a drive later to enjoy some air conditioning and charge up our phones, but no. We were trapped and powerless in our powerless home.

But then, a funny thing happened: we started talking.

Let me explain.

We talk to each other every night. Glancing up from our phones or tablets, between sending lame tweets (me) and between levels of Candy Crush (her). During commercials, between writing and blogging. Talking is always squeezed in between other things.

But on this night, with our phones dwindling away and no way to charge them, we put our mobile devices down and just…talked. We bitched about our day at work, talked about movies coming out, my favorite new TV show (Hannibal, if you’re interested), new music we wanted to check out. It was no deep philosophical stuff about the meaning of life; it was actually the same kinds of things we talk about every day. This time, though, there was a difference – we were both listening to each other. Really listening. We sat in our candle-lit basement and talked for hours. At eight o’clock we wondered how we’d kill the time; at midnight we wondered where the time had gone.

On Saturday, I called a professional to fix the garage door – Good Idea! We had been bracing for the worst, but were fortunate enough to get our power restored around 4:30pm Saturday. We did two things right away – turn on the a/c, and plug in our phones. I know, I know…but we had to charge them in case the power went out again. Luckily, it didn’t. We spent Sunday trying to relax and enjoy the conveniences we take for granted all too often. But I was reminded of something, and it seems silly that it took being literally trapped in my home to help me remember.

Sometimes it’s good to put your phone down and just sit and talk. And really listen.

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